for the One

all my thoughts lingers and journeys, not on distant galaxies; nor unconquered planets; nor unchartered seas, but humbly, on my own free space. looking within the confines of my self, i find fresh rain to water my soul; i savor the scent of blooming roses and new-born grass to enliven my heart; i snuggle on cool, clean, white stretches of yards and yards of soft cotton quilt to comfort my body; while endless expanses of woven and unwoven, broken and unbroken, formed and unformed brightness and darkness in fierce combat occupy my mind. above all these, i compose an uncrafted melody, an unplayed symphony, an unwritten poetry to an audience of one.

He has not acknowledged nor ended my performance, respectfully He observes in the distance. watching, waiting, wondering, we both amuse each other. i, in my meager attempt and naivete; He, in His silent mystery. if only to mirror His thoughts, i mimic His silence. behold! wonders of all wonders, His silence inspires, inspects, instructs, instills courage and strength unfamiliar to my mortal self.

stretching my humanity; bending me; breaking me; forming me; molding me 'til my will and spirit are no longer mine. the more i am unlearning, the more that i really learn; the more that i am yielding, the more that He is wielding; the more that i am hurting, the more that He is loving...

i have not
captivated my audience
instead,
in His majesty
He has captivated
me.

when empyrean and ocean mirror one another, do the stars envy the dancing waves? or does the waves envy the twinkling stars? whichever half you look at, there is in them both tragedy and triumph, disaster and deliverance, resistance and redemption . . . each has a purpose, each has a place, and each is a piece in a larger whole.

if a star is to fall into the ocean, it will not lose its brilliance, instead it will take on the elements of wind and water to be born into a new form. if the ocean were to spill into the great sky, it will not lose its freedom, instead this two will be rich pastel fluid in motion. they will merge and mingle to form a kaleidoscope of colors :

with no boundaries
and
no horizon.

happy anniversary _huggin_ !!!

this blog is one year today!

"today and everyday,
choose to heal, not hurt;
to forgive, not despise;
to persevere, not quit;
to smile, not frown;
and to love, not hate."


i intend to make major changes and
make a definitive comeback.

thank God for this solace.

holding on to You

you are the light to my soul

you are my purpose,

you're everything . . .

how can i stand here with you

and not be moved by you?

-everything by lifehouse-

- been silent for quite sometime, still hungering for solace, i hold on to God's grace and mercy - fragments of my thoughts are scattered thus - early night bathed in sudden rain / quenching the heat and the thirsty soul within - what does it feel like to be given kindness thrice in a day? kindness from strangers? - a friend has confessed fears of constancy, while i have been waiting for someone else's consistency - whichever way the road leads, whichever way the path ascends or descends, i could hold on to You, my consistency, my constancy who never let me down -

you calm the storms and

you give me rest

you still my heart and

you take my breath away

-everything by lifehouse-

cookie blue

There was a time some time ago

When every sunrise meant a sunny day,

{oh a sunny day}

But now when the morning light shines in

It only disturbs the dreamland where I lay,

{oh where I lay}

I used to thank the Lord when I'd wake

For life and love and the golden sky above me

But now I pray the stars will go on shinin',

you see in my dreams you love me

Daybreak is a joyful time

Just listen to the songbird harmonies,

{oh the harmonies}

But I wish the dawn would never come

I wish there was silence in the trees,

{oh the trees}

If only I could stay asleep, at least I could pretend

you're thinkin' of me

'Cause nighttime is the one time I am happy,

you see in my dreams you love me

* * *

We climb and climb and at the top we fly

Let the world go on below us, we are lost in time

And I don't know really what it means

All I know is that you love me, in my dreams

* * *

I keep hopin' one day I'll awaken, and

somehow she'll be lying by my side

And as I wonder if the dawn is really breakin'

She touches me and suddenly I'm alive

[In My Dreams by Reo Speedwagon]

the paradox of blue is that it paints a color of sadness and yet it is also used to denote calm, tranquility and happiness. it depicts a royal pain and sometimes a magnanimous gain. whichever hue or shades of blue, it is for me the color that resonates with who i am. though my dreams are lately gray and uneventful, my thoughts turn to blue to wash out the sadness i feel. and somehow, in the yearning and in the trying, there comes moments of remembering...

butter yellow

so close, i believe

you're holding me now

in your hands

you'll never let me go

you'll never let me go

-worship song-

~('0')~

a downcast sky opened the morning. the melancholy is palpable like the very own emptiness i feel inside. there is no sun today, but, yellow was still in my mind. maybe it was because i was hoping to be cheered on this day. i guess it doesn't matter what i feel. what matters is that i can still feel. it doesn't matter if someone else cares. what matters is that i can still care. it doesn't matter what colors i see. what matters is that i can still see. and in this madly graying, fading light, i hope that the light within me has not been extinguished. for as yet, i need the light, even just a flicker of yellow... to guide me and see me through the gray... and maybe beyond the melancholy that i feel.

fresh melon

All I can say is that my life is pretty plain

I like watchin' the puddles gather rain

And all I can do is just pour some tea for two

and speak my point of view

But it's not sane, It's not sane

I just want some one to say to me

I'll always be there when you wake

Ya know I'd like to keep my cheeks dry today

So stay with me and I'll have it made

And I don't understand why I sleep all day

And I start to complain that there's no rain

And all I can do is read a book to stay awake

And it rips my life away, but it's a great escape

escape......escape......escape......

[No Rain by Blind Melon]

awakened by the splash of melon light on white, i have decided that my day would be a little pastel bright. subdued and probably lucid. because in my mind swirls puddles of red and purple paint. and in this day of nothingness, i give in to the beat and in fact, enjoy the luxury of silence... as the lotus sits on top of the rippling river, bouyed by the wind of changing climes, i could find calm. nothing comes easy, especially for those who wait. but wait i must or what i've worked hard for will go to waste. it would have been just easy to walk away and forget, but, great is the heart that cannot be stilled. in its own will it clings and cleaves. its own way it chooses though the path is tinged with pain and torrential rain. and whatever the next minute brings, whether hale, rain, sleet or mist, the voice within will dance its rhythmn and to a breathing life it lays claim. yes it waits. and waits. for the next rain, or none at all.

in thankfulness

riding in the triumph of beauty and light

you restored my faith and gave me sight

i owe this much to You -- my life and my sanity

hence, my soul does magnify your sanctity

bless me with the rain of your laughter

from which wisdom and strength i gather

in the face of life's viccissitude

Lord, my gratitude

seek to find

should i care to understand
thy ancient manifestation?
come close to the sun,
as i can;
when done: then,
only to transgress in your dominion?

it is not for me to question your authority
because i know
you have power
over me.

the makings of me are yours
i am to do nothing to even up the scores.
do what you will;
guide me
to glorify you still.

yes, i should care to understand
thy ancient thought
because the fire grows fierce
which i sought
and found,
in your holy ground...

mea culpa

in my dying comes life
grieve not for my loss
but for your staying
i may have found peace
not granted in your living
unworthy am i,
to die, i live.
to live, i die

*** this is part of an original poem i wrote 14 years ago, although very different from its original title, i used "mea culpa" to indicate where i see my feeligs headed towards . . . _huggin_ ***

relinquish

to cry in complete abandon

surrendering to the

onslaught of emotion

to feel angst and pain

in varied complexity

to weep with all the heart can give

'til the body is unconscious and spent

and finally,

in stillness,

recognize defeat.

being lost and unguided

with only darkness around

a crusade of lights undaunted

still shines

and in this commotion

find the heartbeat of silence

to gladly embrace

- freedom -

pleas

rain, gently falling
rain, please wash away my pain
for far too long have these i kept

sun, gently waking
sun, please shine down upon
this desolate place of myself

wind, gently swirling
wind, please come to bend
a stiff and selfish point of view

cloud, gently gliding
cloud, please give comfort
to this tired friend you barely knew

earth, gently nurturing
earth, please grant me solace
beneath your changing womb

fire, gently burning
fire, please do not pass
without a memory of your kindling

moon, gently rising
moon, please come home soon
to this dark night of loss

stars, gently twinkling
stars, please carry me hope
for a just and worthy cause

mind, gently knowing
mind, please grant understanding
what no rationale thought could

heart, gently loving
heart, please keep embracing
what no one else would

soul, gently searching
soul, please heal and renew
all that is pure, beautiful and true

an elemental plea
i ask to only
thee

silent torment

night is clothed in stars;

the moon glow crowned its descent

she closed her eyes

void, blank abyss beseeched

inside herself, emptiness and loneliness

trampled upon sparkling jewels

of her benign self, while gentleness

in its heroic plea is gravely ill, but still

it clings to the girl within

he watched the smoke
dance before his dreamy wanderings
lost inside himself he seeks strength
and honor from the little boy
that he once was, craving to be again
strumming his guitar with melancholy
many stardust fell as tearful melody

day slept and light fades from view

. . . until these souls return anew . . .

behind shadows

there is no safety

no security

in your enfolded wings

there is no freedom

no exhilaration

in your outstretched hands

i retreat

in the core of my being

under darkness

and in silence